I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
they're like a gay fantastic four
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
