Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
