i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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