I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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