sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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