I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
