You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
