On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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