How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
