capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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