??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
