Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
