saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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