paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
