is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
