I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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