mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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