I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
