Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
