In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
