The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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