life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
