I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
