Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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