so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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