by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
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Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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