I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize