if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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