i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
