woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
