We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
