It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
