i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
