none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
