How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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