theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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