Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
