My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize