On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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