i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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