You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
You can't special order awesome
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize