And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
