So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
