When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
