just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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