remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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