Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
