just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
