yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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