U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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