My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this just has baby written all over it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
