She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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