thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize