is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Randomize
