so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
