So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We are all done wearing pants today
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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