now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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