There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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