You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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