Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My hand turned me down
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
