saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
