I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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