she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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